When You Dream
by tpchicken
Summary: Ryan is haunted by what happened to his team last May; Castle realized he doesn't know the half of it. Tag to "Always" 4x23.


Authors Note: Okay, while everyone else and their dog re-watched "Always" 20 billion times, I couldn't get over the Ryan/Espo "breakup." What I wasn't trying to write was a "Ryan and Castle have a heart to heart and everything is better." What I wrote was probably exactly that. But I love the beginning and end, even though the middle is pretty craptastic. I hope you like it nevertheless.

Tags to 4x23, "Always" You've been warned.

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. I do like to mess around in Ryan's head. Is that so wrong?

* * *

He's running through an empty hotel. He's not sure what he's looking for, but he needs to find it fast. Turning a corner he sees a body on the floor and an open door. He knows what he's going to find now, and he knows there is no way to stop it.

Ryan bends down and checks the pulse of his partner on the ground, but he already knows that he's dead. Numb, his brain screams for him to find Beckett through the haze. If her shooter had been there and had killed Esposito, it stands to reason that she chased him. Where did they go? Ryan already suspects as his feet lead him, and before he knows it, he's on the roof. He calls out to her and can hear her screaming Castle's name. He runs towards her voice and finds her hanging off the side of the building by one precarious hand.

Ryan leans over and grabs her arm to pull her up, but his hands are sweaty. He tries to grip, tries to lift, but she's slipping. She's shifting, trying to hold on, but it's affecting Ryan's grasp. She's still calling out, begging for Castle to save her. Ryan is pleading with her to hold still, but her arm is sliding through his hands. He can't lift her, can't save her, and she's falling.

"Beckett!" he screams and bolts straight up in bed, waking his wife beside him.

He's sobbing and gasping for breath. Jenny places a reassuring hand on his back and strokes his cheeks, wiping his tears, with the other.

"The dream again?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Did you fall again this time?"

"No."

He doesn't have this dream every night, but he has it often. Sometimes in the dream Beckett's weight pulls him over the side of the building, too. Sometimes he doesn't even make it to the roof because Esposito's lifeless form springs up and grabs him by the throat, screaming about betrayal and brotherhood as he pummels Ryan to death. He can never save them. This dream will never end happy, and Ryan wonders if it will ever go away.

Deep down Ryan knows he made the right choice that day almost two months ago when Beckett and Esposito went rogue. He would make the same choice again in the same circumstance, but that doesn't mean the price he paid for that choice wasn't high. It cost him his partners and his friends. While Gates had been approving and had even given Ryan a special commendation in his file, the rest of the homicide detectives at the twelfth were not so gracious. Ryan had been labeled a traitor to his team, a brown noser to his boss, and a spy in the ranks. No one would work with him, all had flat out refused when Gates tried to reassign him. He sat at his desk doing paperwork and everyone avoided him unless forced to have him fill out an assignment for them. Ryan went to work every day and sat in a desert between Beckett and Esposito's empty desks, being ignored by all.

Then the dreams had started waking them in the middle of the night. His confidence was often shaken. He started wondering if he even should be a cop anymore. He was sure Gates was going to have to reassign him to another precinct, cast off, never to be heard from again.

His breathing slowed, and he gave his wife what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Jenny wasn't fooled, and he knew it. She could see the bags under his eyes and knew the suffering that day had caused her husband.

"You could try the pills the doctor gave you again," She suggested.

"No, no, I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

He kissed his wife on the forehead and laid her back down on her pillow. She turned over, so he spooned up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He took deep breaths and tried to relax knowing he needed sleep before the morning that would come too soon.

* * *

The next morning was the same for Ryan as it had been for the last eight weeks. He sat at his desk with boxes of cold cases rechecking dead end leads, fingerprints, DNA, etc., through the system, seeing if anything new popped. Most often the case stayed cold, but every once in awhile something happened, and then Ryan would pass it along to one of the teams. Since no one would work with him, he hadn't been to an active crime scene since his final case with Beckett. He tried often not to think about that.

Gates was spending the day at 1PP, so the other detectives were taking the opportunity to be extra harsh and no-so-subtle about their dislike of Ryan. He was doing his best to ignore everyone, but as it neared lunch time he was seriously considering leaving and taking a personal day and not returning. He was about to take a sip of cold coffee when a loud "PSSTT!" from the hallway startled him.

Ryan turned surprised and set down his coffee, "Castle?"

"Where's Gates?" Castle whispered.

"Out for the day."

"Oh good!" Castle sauntered in and took the seat next to Ryan's desk like no time had passed.

Confused, Ryan could only stare at him for a moment until, "What are you doing here, Castle?"

"Becket remembered some things she had left here, but she didn't want to retrieve them herself, so I offered to sneak in for her."

"So you've seen her?" Ryan asked.

"You could say that," Castle responded coyly.

"Oh. So you've seen a lot of her?"

Castle smiled knowingly.

"Well good, that's good, I'm… yeah, that's great for you."

Only then did Castle stop and notice his surroundings. He saw the angry, accusing glances from the others being directed at the back of Ryan's head. He noticed the untouched layer of dust on Esposito's desk. Mostly he noticed the young detective. Ryan was thinner, more worn looking. There as something disheveled about the way he was dressed and the lines on his face betrayed the lack of sleep the Irishman was getting.

He studied Ryan's blue eyes that were currently zoned out on the computer screen. Castle realized that he didn't know half of what had happened that day when Beckett had appeared at his apartment and changed his life. Since then he had been so blissfully happy, he never thought to even ask. Now hew as seeing things in a different light. Now had had to know why the precinct was so different and why it had taken such a toll on the man in front of him.

"Kevin?"

Ryan looked back at Castle with refocused eyes.

"Can I buy you lunch? You look like you could use a good meal and maybe an ear to listen?"

"Um," Ryan looked around and ran his fingers through his hair, "Yeah, let's get out of here. I've had enough for today anyway."

"Come on, I'll grab Beckett's things and we'll go."

Castle let Ryan eat half his meal before asking about that dreadful day. Ryan had never really talked about it. He told Jenny because he tells Jenny everything, and while his wife is amazing, it's hard for her to understand the dynamics of what happened. Ryan had told the doctor who prescribed him the sleeping pills some of what happened, but not much. Finally telling Castle everything released the burden Ryan had been carrying for months.

"I didn't know," is all Castle can say when Ryan finished. "I've been with Beckett for two months, and I had no idea."

"You didn't talk about it at all?"

"We haven't really been talking."

"Okay, eww."

They lapse into a thoughtful silence until Ryan starts to smile, then he is laughing for the first time all Summer.

"What's so funny?" asks Castle defensively.

"I was just thinking about you and Beckett being all domestic together and thought popped into my head that you've probably made a whole ton of pancakes by now."

"Hey now!" Castle's memory flashes back to that morning in Beckett's old apartment with the dead body at her front door.

Kevin turned quiet, "Castle have you heard from Esposito?"

"No, but I think Beckett has. She mentioned something about him staying with family."

"Good. I was worried he was all alone. For weeks I tried to call, left messages, texted, but he never responded. I finally gave up."

"He'll forgive you eventually. You did the right thing. It'll take time for him to admit to himself he was wrong."

"Yeah, well, suspended indefinitely should give him all the time he needs."

"Don't worry Kevin, before you know it we'll all be together again standing over a dead body."

"Uh Castle, you know Kate resigned don't you?"

"She what?" Castle was stunned into silence wondering what else Kate hadn't told him yet. They chewed their remaining food quietly until Ryan broke the silence.

"I look back at that case, and I think you knew something, something none of us did. I think you were trying to tell me without words that you didn't want them going after this, just from the looks you gave me, and we both knew that Beckett and Esposito were running head first into something they couldn't handle. I tried to fool myself into thinking it would be alright, that we'd talk sense into them. We didn't though."

"I tried Ryan, Heaven knows, I tried to convince her. She didn't listen. She never listened. She walled herself up and pushed me away. So I did what I do, I pushed back. I ignored her and you. I told myself that the twelfth didn't matter anymore, but you didn't. You made a choice I was too cowardly to make. You saved them. It wasn't what they wanted, but it was right.

They sat in silence for a few more moments as the waitress took their empty plates and Castle paid.

"I've got to go," Castle said, checking his watch and sighing. "It looks like I get to have a very painful and possibly relationship ending talk with Beckett tonight."

"Castle? Will you tell Beckett, and Espo if you see him, that I only wanted to protect them because I couldn't bear it if I had to attend their funerals because I didn't say something. You are all my family and it hurts that they're gone, but it would hurt more if it was for good."

"You're a good man Kevin Ryan. I'm going to treasure your friendship forever."

* * *

He's running through an empty hotel. He's not sure what he's looking for, but he needs to find it fast. He turns to his right, and Castle is there beside him. He knows what he's going to find now, but he knows he's not alone. They find Esposito on the floor, but he's alive. Castle runs ahead to find Beckett while Ryan calls for an ambulance.

Now he's running on the roof and makes it in time to help Castle pull Beckett to safety. Esposito appears on his right and the four share a moment together. They are four different people, but they'll always be there for each other. The moment dissolves, and now he and Jenny are celebrating something with dining and dancing. Ryan wakes with the sunrise after a good night's sleep.

Nothing has changed. Work is still going to be hell. Beckett and Esposito still won't be there. Nevertheless Ryan knows that somehow everything is going to be okay.


End file.
